Thanksgiving Bonus Advice: Short and Simple

Five reader submitted questions—answered in brief—about life, love, and loneliness.

I've always wanted to become a teacher (since high school), but I'm afraid of reproducing the trauma that was caused by some former teachers. I desperately do not want to lose my patience with kids/students. But I don't know if that desperation is enough to keep me present. It feels like I'm avoiding my interests or possible passions as harm reduction. I don't know if I have the qualities needed for something as difficult as teaching and I keep telling myself I haven't reached a point where I can take on a new journey. Other teachers I've met seem so naturally good with kids, whereas I still feel like I have to perform in front of them. How can I trust myself enough to take this on? What can I do now to build the qualities needed for teaching?

Don’t discount the value of knowing what not to do. Trust the kids. When it comes to children it can be helpful not to totally trust ourselves, we need to remain sensitive and aware of our choices—and how they may impact the little ones around us. You wouldn’t have wanted to be a teacher if you didn’t have a vision of what would feel good about it, focus on that. I bet you also have an idea of what you can offer students that you might have needed as one and didn’t receive. You have a chance to be the person you needed when you were younger. You’re doubting yourself when you could instead use your experience as a source of insight. Performance is inherent to the role and a level of remove is a healthy boundary to have as a teacher. In identifying the qualities you’ll need (patience, calm, ability to remain present) you’re already preparing. Keep going.

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How do I let go? Particularly of the past, of the issues I can’t put to rest, the issues that are part of me but also much bigger than me -  after all, I am only a person.

If you haven’t let go it just means you aren’t ready to yet. That’s okay. Things take the time they need. Time loosens any grip. Let yourself be. Observe how you feel about what you’re attached to. What is your reaction exposing about you or the situation? Learn what you need to. Once the lessons are drawn the attachments lose their significance and will fade.  

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I lost my dad last year (and am Muslim) and my faith in finding him again is the only thing that helps me live with hope. Before he passed he messaged me from the hospital saying he wanted to be with me forever. Do you have any advice for those moments where I doubt I will find my dad again? For when I think maybe this is it, maybe he is nothing anymore (other than my whole heart) and so will I be too one day. 

إِنَّا ِلِلَّٰهِ وَإِنَّا إِلَيْهِ رَاجِعُونَ I’m sorry for your loss. It’s always given me great comfort that my brother was rescued from this world to one where he is guaranteed peace and ease, where there is no possibility of suffering, where he can continue to benefit from our prayers. Just because death changes our access to our loved ones doesn’t mean they are ever gone with true totality. If that were true, your dad wouldnt still be able move you. You wouldn’t still be able to identify as his daughter. On the days when reuniting in another world feels like a fairy tale, remember that memory is a plane of existence too. Your father lives on in the remembrance of all who knew him. On days when that isn’t enough—the observable laws of the natural world remind us how energy can never disappear, only transform. We’re all pre-destined for the same final transformation.

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My adult life has been shaped by caring for my disabled brother and fixing my parents’ finances. Now that we’re doing better I find it hard to open up my life to the outside world. I’m successful (good job, highly educated, etc.) but by necessity my family lives with me. I know I need to in order to welcome a partner into my family someday but it seems impossible today. How do I integrate someone into our family when it revolves around my brother’s care?

It only feels impossible when you cast your existing commitments as the obstacles despite which someone would partner with you, when in fact they are parts of you that someone should love and support in choosing to love and support you. Reconcile the distinction you’re making between your current life and “the outside world.” It implies that you must either leave your family to join someone on “the outside” or that anyone who joins you must abandon the rest of their life—perhaps like you once had to, hence your concern. In order to avoid heartbreak you must be especially discerning about who you let into your life. A future partner cannot be positioned as your only access to a life beyond your family because then they’re positioned as an escape that may be appealing for awhile but is ultimately untenable. The same balance that’s allowed you to reach this stage of your life successfully now needs to be extended to developing a personal life. It’s fully achievable as long as you don’t start with the assumption it’s not. The right partner will respect the full range of your responsibilities. Those responsibilities are not an excuse to postpone other areas of your life. And a future partner is not in competition with the people that depend on you currently. The more deeply you understand that, the more likely a future partner is to as well. 

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What to do about feeling lost and lonely in life? 

The meaning of life is to give it meaning. Don’t wait to be assigned a purpose. Generate it through what you can do for others and yourself. Collect little joys, live with a duty of care, and on the days you feel low take comfort in the fact that feeling lost and lonely puts you in the company of every person that’s ever been alive.